Don’t Blink


Still working, working a lot, working so much that I realize I’m getting older (well all those silver hairs around my temple were making me realize that in addition to the plaguing fatigue). Despite my constant need for sleep (even all the free coffee doesn’t help) things are going well enough. I’ve settled nicely into both jobs, and made some new friends in the process. The problem is that I really don’t feel like I’m around people at all, despite being surrounded by them all the time. I don’t have a lot of time to socialize when I’m not ‘on the clock’ and when I am free, I find myself falling face first into bed despite the desire to be out of the house…either that or I resemble an exhausted 5-year-old in my sensitivity and moodiness. I, in fact, started crying last night because I was too hot. I even made my roommate verify this by touching my arm; she replied with a confused, “I don’t know what you want me to do.” I simply walked out of the room crying, saying that I was hot and didn’t know why! Yup, that’s me. Life is passing me by as I work and sleep. There’s a voice in my head (The Vagabond Voice) telling me to get a life, telling my not to blink, if I blink then I’m dead. (Yup, I’m a Whovian. Even more awesome now, aren’t I?!)

A couple of weeks ago, I was wondering how I might go about meeting cool new people (which might also lead to dating opportunities without going back to internet dating) combined with interesting outings; since most of my long-time, and long-loved, friends are now married and living further away with hectic schedules, the need for fresh blood was greatly felt ( I know what you’re thinking. “This girl doesn’t have time to sleep, let alone date!” Welp, you’d be right.) So, I joined a plethora (there’s that word again, such a wonderful word) of meetup groups hoping to discover fun and interesting people while doing fun and interesting things on my days off. This was my effort to get a life instead of letting it pass me by. The only problem with this is that the coolest things are happening while I’m at work, and I’m almost always too tired when I’m not. I’ve gone back to dreaming of the camping and hiking I’d like to do, of the dog I’d love to have, of the exciting road trips I’d like to take (alone or with company), of the Jeep Charger I’d like to have, of the adventures I’d love to go on, of the things I still want to learn….of the life I’d like to have. But right now, I’m stuck going through life on auto pilot, with my eyes wide open, not blinking.

Another topic under discussion in my wee little head is where I will go from here? How long will I stay at this position (if I’m not laid off)? What would I really like to be doing? A non-profit you say? Well, which one, and doing what? Do I want to stay in STL? Well, Northern California was so beautiful! What about Oregon, and Washington too? I could apply to Teach for America? Well, yes but then I wouldn’t have much control over where I go, nor do I want to be a career teacher. Would that, then, be a smart move? When will I feel more complete? When will I sleep? …When can I blink?


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