Vagabond VS. Emotions

I don’t see you. I don’t see you.

I hate feelings, or, to be more precise, I hate my feelings. Emotions and me, we don’t get along. Oh, I’m not a cold fish or anything. I definitely have a heart; I’m a great sympathizer and will always provide a shoulder when needed. I’m just not a big fan of my own emotions. I can never seem to express my feelings, nor am I super awesome at dealing with them. Whenever I’m extremely anxious I bottle it up and push it down…and pretend it’s not there….and I eventually have a panic attack. How do I deal with stress? What stress?! No, I don’t stress…I just lose sleep, my hair falls out, and I start to look like a cancer patient…..then I cry a lot. Sadness….well, I hate crying. I even avoid movies that I think will make me weepy. Crying just sucks, and I don’t want to do it. The worst thing about these emotions is that they pop up at the most inopportune times (usually because I’ve hidden from them so long that they explode). Anger..ugh, I’m actually a non-confrontational person. I hate conflict and having to deal with it. Seriously, I get such a rush of adrenaline that I shake! How do I handle love? Welp, I think I’ve only been in love once, but the problem was that I didn’t even recognize the feeling when it happened, and only really came to terms with that emotion years afterwards. I’m super great at pretending my feelings aren’t there. I’m a freakin’ expert at avoidance! But, lately I’ve been going through such a wide range of intense emotions that I’ve been trying to be better at recognizing them, and dealing with them. I think this process will probably take years of perfecting, so please don’t expect some serious adult growth.
With my recent experiences, I’ve felt like a serious failure. I’m not sure where I want to go from here, and I’m re-examining the things I want out of life. I haven’t really discarded any of the dreams that I’ve had for years, they’re still alive and well. The major change, I guess, is that I’m recognizing that I really want a family. I want children. It’s something that’s been in the back of my mind for years, but I guess since another year is approaching that desire is becoming more important. No, I’m not gonna go out and get knocked up tomorrow. No, I refuse to have a child outside of a monogamous relationship. I most certainly want to have a spouse in place before I procreate. To be perfectly honest, I wouldn’t ever choose to do it alone. I’d rather be completely alone in life than to be a single parent. Maybe that’s selfish, but at least it’s honest.

That’s pretty much the only emotion/desire I’ve been willing to face. I know I’m the only one that can make me feel like a failure, but that doesn’t lessen the feeling. I know why I’m stressed and anxious, but that doesn’t make those feelings disappear. I know I will feel less lonely when I’m back in STL with all of my great friends surrounding me, but I don’t think it will completely go away. I’m even looking forward to not living alone. In fact, once I do find a job and can afford my own place, I might still look for a roommate. I think I’m ready to share my space…even if I’m still not ready to deal with my feelings. I’m still pretending that most of them aren’t there….

 

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