So! It’s been quite a while since my last post, but I’m sure you’ll all forgive me for my quarter(ish) life crisis which lead to avoidance of pretty much everything. Anywho, I was lying in bed thinking (cause sleep is for people without major life problems) and I suddenly realized, ” I’m over him! “. Now, this blog isn’t meant to be all girly and personal; honestly, my friends that know me the best will tell you I am not the typical girl and will usually walk the road of logic over emotion, but this epiphany was too good to pass up! Trust me, I have a general, all-purpose, unisexual point to make here, but it’s my blog so I get to talk about me first.
I had three main reasons for moving across six states some months ago, and they are as follows.
- A position using my knowledge of languages in order to help people. (Of course this is big. This was THE reason…but there were other things to take into consideration)
- I had lived in STL for about 9 years and was ready for a change of scenery. (I was just plain stupid to pic Reno though. Dust and Firs…that’s all I got)
- I had been hung up on a guy (I don’t think ‘in-love’ is the right phrase) for a number of years, and I was hoping that distance would break that cord.
Well people, I finally realized, at 3:45am no less, that #3 has actually occurred! I no longer have a desire to have a “meaningful relationship” with the guy. I was just thinking about how I wished we knew each other better as people…with NO ulterior motive whatsoever! This realization led to other realizations, which lead to me giving up on sleep (who needs it anyway) to write this post.In the summer of 2003 I moved from Texas to STL to go to college, and after a number of set backs and some forced time off from school I finally graduated in 2011. Over the years, I only saw my family about once a year…if at all. Now while it is true that I’ve changed quite a bit in the last 10 years, so much so that people have asked how someone like me can even be a part of my family, the fact remains that they are still my family. For better or worse (sometimes for mind-numbing aggravation or disappointment), they are still my family and I love them. But here’s the thing. I rarely miss them in between visits, or even concern myself with their lives. I’m sure this sounds horrible to some of you out there, but I know a good deal more of you will understand. For those that don’t, I bet dollars to donuts (what the heck does that expression mean) you’ve felt the same way at some point and just simply felt bad about it…where I am unapologetic. For example, my sister recently (as in the last 5 days) had a baby. My reaction: look at the pics, take a second to think “aww”, then move on with my day. Does that make me a bad person? I don’t think so. When I told my friend about my new niece, she asked if I was excited. When I responded honestly that I was happy for my sister but that I didn’t really care, she gave me a shocked look. I went on to explain that I didn’t even know when I would see my family again and that I doubted I would be a big presence in my niece’s life. Therefore…how excited can I be?
My point in all of this was that I realized that the old saying is wrong! Absence makes the heart grow fonder…of other people. It’s not as though I had to fall for a new guy to detach from the old one, but I just don’t need him anymore. Of course, I could be growing and maturing and facing reality, cause if we didn’t work over the past six years I doubt we’re gonna work now…but that didn’t fit the topic. With the distance from my family I felt a freedom I had never before experienced. My mother’s reaction to our separation was to call me every day, EVERY DAY, for 3 months. (She recently resumed this aggravating practice when my sister got married and moved out of my mom’s house) My reaction was to occasionally write them letters, my favorite form of communication as I control the length of the conversation and it doesn’t require me holding a phone to my ear, plus you have a nifty transcript of the conversation! That distance allowed me to retain my family, but to grow away from them. Because of all the changes happening in my life over the past few weeks, I told a friend I might move back to STL. Her response: Yay! You’re coming home! My time away from STL (less than a year) hasn’t separated me from my friends there, or at least not my true friends, but I have an idea of the people I no longer need in my life.
Ya know, I think absence only makes the heart grow fonder if one is in a truly marvelous relationship filled with love. I’m a person that likes their quiet time..the time just to themselves with no one else around. I haven’t yet been in an honest to goodness longterm relationship (there’s that fear of commitment seeping through), so I’ve never experienced the genuine longing to be returned to my loved one. Does that really happen, people? Some of my ushy-gushy married friends would say yes….but I guess I’ll never know until it happens to me. I guess I should actually try to date. I’m a pretty low maintenance lady I think, I’m not an active dater…I tend to let people fall into my lap (though not literally, this is PG people). The guy might tell you different. Honestly, I probably have no one to blame but myself for things not working out. I was never really me around him cause I was too busy being what I thought he wanted, or acting like I didn’t even care, or letting myself get used as a bandaid for his problems before I was unceremoniously dumped. Hey! I guess I’m a woman after all! But, when all is said and done, I guess the distance did its job. Absence makes the heart forgetful.